"If you are an estranged parent, you've likely absorbed a familiar message: If you would just stop doing the wrong things, your child might come back. The list of "wrong things" is usually delivered with certainty: Don't argue. Don't explain. Don't defend yourself. Don't pressure. Don't show up. Don't send gifts. Don't ask questions. Don't mention the past. The implication is clear: Estrangement persists because parents keep violating the rules."
"Common interpretation: Defensiveness or emotional endangerment of the adult child. In context: Arguing is often a normal human response when one's identity or intentions are mischaracterized. Most parents argue not to dominate, but to correct what feels like a profound misrepresentation of their love. We don't expect adult children to silently accept narratives they believe are wrong. Expecting parents to do so is emotional censoring, not emotional maturity."
Estranged parents are often held to unrealistic, destabilizing standards that demand silence, self-erasure, and perfect restraint. Commonly pathologized behaviors—arguing, defending, explaining—frequently reflect attempts to preserve dignity, correct misrepresentations, or respond to grief, not deliberate harm. Expecting parents to accept sweeping accusations without clarification imposes emotional censoring rather than maturity. Healing relationships requires adult children to acknowledge their contribution to problems and potential solutions. Reconciliation is better pursued through grace and forgiveness instead of moral condemnation, which allows families to shift more safely toward repair without unfairly blaming grieving parents.
Read at Psychology Today
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