I'm 37, I have the career my parents always wanted for me, the house, the marriage - and last month I realized I've spent two decades building a life designed to earn approval from people who stopped keeping score years ago - Silicon Canals

"The scoreboard I'd been playing to didn't exist anymore. I'm not sure it ever did. But I'd built my entire adult life as though it was the only thing that mattered."

"Research by Assor, Roth, and Deci published in the Journal of Personality examined what they call parental conditional regard: the practice of parents giving more affection and approval when a child meets expectations, and withdrawing warmth when they don't."

A video call with parents revealed that they prioritize happiness over achievements, indicating they no longer keep score of success. This realization highlighted the concept of introjected regulation from self-determination theory, where individuals seek validation through achievements. Research shows that parental conditional regard can lead to a reliance on external approval, impacting self-worth. The author reflects on how their adult life was built around this false scoreboard, realizing that true worth comes from unconditional love rather than accomplishments.

Read at Silicon Canals