How Motherhood Changed My Personality

"There’s no universally optimal level of any trait. The right setting depends on what would best facilitate your goals and values. Let’s use me as an example. I am high in conscientiousness. Most people would call that a good thing and it is. This trait helps me build a career in a competitive field, keep a tidy house, finish projects, and show up on time."

"When conscientiousness is really high, it can tip into rigid perfectionism. The same trait that gave me an edge at work can make me inflexible and reactive at home. Yesterday, I watched my daughters debate which Pixar movie we were going to watch later that evening. Well, debate is a generous description of the full-on screaming match that ensued."

"Yesterday, though, I was able to let the noise wash over me without reacting beyond privately hoping that WALL-E came out on top. This transformation from high-strung perfectionist to patient pragmatist is, in part, an example of the natural shift in personality that occurs across the lifespan. But it is also the result of an intentional decision to develop the personality traits that would help me better align with my parenting values."

"I develop and test strategies to intentionally nudge personality traits in clinical trials. These strategies are drawn from cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and our data show that they help people worry less, open up more to others, decrease people pleasing, and more. Twenty weeks of focused practice can produce roughly the trait change that takes 20 years naturally."

Personality traits change across the lifespan and can also be intentionally developed to better match personal values. High conscientiousness can support productivity, organization, and follow-through, but excessive levels can become rigid perfectionism and reactive behavior in home life. A shift from high-strung perfectionism to patient pragmatism can occur when noise and conflict are allowed to pass without immediate reaction. Personality change can be guided using strategies drawn from cognitive-behavioral therapy, with evidence that such approaches reduce worry, increase openness, decrease people pleasing, and support more effective behavior. Focused practice over weeks can produce trait changes comparable to those that might otherwise take years naturally.

Read at Psychology Today