"For children in foster care, safety is only part of healing. Many carry an invisible burden of shame that comes from being separated from their families of origin. Unlike guilt, which says "I did something bad," shame whispers " I am bad." Over time, this whisper weaves into identity, so that making a mistake feels like proof of worthlessness rather than an opportunity to learn."
"Separation trauma leaves foster youth especially vulnerable to internalizing blame for circumstances beyond their control. Many come to believe they were removed because they were unlovable, unworthy, or defective. They believe it's their fault, and because children are egocentric, they believe they were responsible for their family separation. This toxic narrative hardens into a harsh inner voice that sabotages relationships, learning, and self-esteem."
"Each night, his foster father tried to help with homework, only to be met with tears and rage - for example, banging his head on the wall and outwardly screaming. T.J. would rip up worksheets and yell: "I'm stupid! I'm stupid! I'm stupid." His foster father, doing the best that he could, reassured him, " You are not stupid." But the more he denied his feelings of shame, the more T.J.'s self-inflicting thoughts escalated."
Many foster youth carry an invisible burden of shame stemming from separation from their families of origin. Shame differs from guilt: guilt says "I did something bad," while shame says "I am bad." Repeated removal and instability lead children to internalize blame and believe they were unlovable, unworthy, or responsible for family separation. That toxic narrative hardens into a harsh inner voice that sabotages relationships, learning, and self-esteem. Simple reassurances that deny a child's feelings can unintentionally reinforce shame rather than heal it. Practical interventions must validate felt experience, help dismantle toxic self-beliefs, and cultivate self-compassion to support recovery.
Read at Psychology Today
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