Society currently worships authenticity, elevating candid self-expression to near-spiritual status. A cultural bias privileges negative authenticity, praising blunt criticism, antisocial rants, and public sulks as refreshingly honest. Authentic displays of anger, contempt, or derision are often judged more valuable than well-mannered restraint. Antagonizing others does not equate to being authentic; it creates antagonism and damages relationships. Most people generally prefer polite redirection over honest rudeness when on the receiving end. Genuine social skill consists of mastering self-censorship: emotional intelligence requires resisting impulses to broadcast harmful feelings. High-stakes environments reward the ability to maintain composure rather than airing grievances.
As I illustrate in my forthcoming book, we live in an age of authenticity worship. From corporate mission statements urging employees to "bring their whole selves to work" to self-help gurus insisting that "being real" is the only path to fulfillment, we've elevated authenticity to near-spiritual status. But our obsession has a curious twist: we tend to grant a special premium to negative authenticity.
Somewhere along the way, we started believing that authentic displays of antisocial emotion (e.g., anger, contempt, derision) are somehow more real, and thus more valuable, than well-mannered restraint. As if telling a colleague their idea is "idiotic" is more admirable than smiling politely and redirecting the conversation. In reality, antagonizing people doesn't make you authentic; it just makes you antagonistic. Moreover, between fake politeness or honest rudeness, most people will typically prefer the former, especially if they are on the receiving end.
Genuine social skill is not the absence of self-censorship, but rather the mastery of it. The real work of emotional intelligence, which is basically a form of social desirability or strategic self-presentation, lies in resisting the urge to broadcast every feeling and thought, especially those that would derail relationships, alienate others, or erode trust. High-stakes environments, such as boardrooms, negotiations, and crisis situations, reward those who can keep a poker face, not those who turn every meeting into an open mic night for their grievances.
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