"But what I didn't do, it turned out, was something that my daughter really wanted, and far more important (as is often the case) than everything I did do. This one missing piece symbolized how much I valued her efforts. And not only that, it turned out to be the gauge for how selfish or loving I am-how willing to inconvenience myself for her or anyone."
"Nonetheless, despite the arsenal of guilt coming at me, I didn't feel guilty. I felt very sad and very angry-but not guilty. The absence of guilt, which has been such a constant in my life as a mom, surprised me and led me to ask myself what was different this time. What had allowed me to hold onto my own worth and good mom status in the face of what could have been a very different and far more complicated experience."
"What was different was how I responded to her blame. As soon as I felt it coming at me and the bad mom narrative taking form, I asked myself, "Do I feel genuinely guilty for this choice? Or is this learned guilt-guilt I'm supposed to feel, that's been assigned to me by my culture and now my family? Have I violated my own values? Have I done something truly unkind?" The answer was "no" on all fronts. This was guilt I'd been conditioned to feel."
A mother celebrated her daughter's significant achievement with countless supportive acts yet withheld one specific request because she had reached her emotional limit. That withheld act mattered more to the daughter than the many other gestures and became a symbol of how the mother valued the effort and of her willingness to inconvenience herself. Confronted with blame, the mother examined whether her feelings were genuine guilt or culturally conditioned guilt and concluded the latter. She reminded herself of sustained support over months, honored her own efforts, and chose to focus on the cumulative good rather than internalized, learned guilt.
Read at Psychology Today
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