"I'm encouraged that people are talking about boundaries more than ever, whether at work, at home, or with friends. Yet too often, we reduce boundaries to a single idea: saying no. Of course, this is easier said than done, especially if you have a fierce InnerPleaser (a term I use in my upcoming book, Serial Fixer- Break Free From the Habit of Solving Other People's Problems, to describe the internal part of us that prioritizes others' needs at the expense of our own)."
"Your inner pleaser's main job is to protect you from the feelings we all instinctively try to avoid, such as judgment, isolation, embarrassment, or being seen as something negative. When the thought of saying no arises, it can ignite a whirlwind of "what ifs." What if I am seen as unkind? What if they do not like me anymore? What if I am being selfish or hurting someone's feelings?"
"A client I worked with years ago, a highly motivated professional working her way up the corporate ladder, once told me she felt her chest tighten every time she thought about turning down a request, even something as small as declining a coffee meeting. "What if they think I don't value them? What if I disappoint them?" she asked. "I need to make time. If I don't, I fear that it will jeopardize my relationship, reputation, or my job.""
Boundaries are often reduced to the act of saying no, but that tiny word carries immense power and complex internal conflict. An InnerPleaser prioritizes others' needs to avoid feelings like judgment, isolation, embarrassment, or being seen negatively. The anticipation of saying no triggers "what ifs" — fears of appearing unkind, losing relationships, or being selfish — which lead to overextension and prioritizing others over oneself. Repeated appeasement creates a blueprint for internal disconnect, fueling anxious thoughts, mood shifts, and resentment. Clinical examples show even small refusals like declining a coffee can provoke physical anxiety and fear of jeopardizing relationships or careers.
Read at Psychology Today
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