What's Your Secret? Asking About Strength, Not Symptoms

"When I first meet a patient, I ask a question that often catches them off guard: "What's your secret?" Specifically, I'll ask, "Given everything you've described-the stress, losses, or hardships that brought you here-what's your secret to having made it this far?" It's a disarming question, but a powerful one. It changes the entire frame of therapy and narrative from "What's wrong with me?" to "What's strong in me?""

"Traditional psychiatry and psychology have long operated within a disease model-identifying symptoms, diagnosing disorders, and reducing pathology. But human beings are not machines to be repaired. Mental health is not merely the absence of illness; it's the presence of strength, adaptability, and meaning. That's why I ground my work in resilience and positive psychology-fields pioneered by psychologists such as Martin Seligman and Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi."

"When I ask patients about their "secret," they begin to see themselves not as damaged but as durable. A young woman grieving a painful breakup realizes she still goes to work and cares for her siblings. A veteran coping with flashbacks recognizes he's maintained years of sobriety. These are not trivial details-they are evidence of resilience. Therapy begins with building upon those existing strengths."

Asking "What's your secret?" shifts focus from deficits to strengths and reveals resilience hidden within coping behaviors. Traditional disease-model approaches emphasize symptoms and pathology, but mental health also requires strength, adaptability, and meaning. Grounding therapy in resilience and positive psychology cultivates capacities to recover and grow from pain rather than avoid it. Identifying concrete examples of endurance—maintaining work, caregiving, sobriety, or daily functioning—provides a foundation for intervention. Therapy should expand tolerance for stress, encourage facing challenges, and build on existing strengths. Overuse of the term "trauma" can obscure resilience and lead to protective avoidance instead of adaptive growth.

Read at Psychology Today