"After I stopped breastfeeding, I was happier. My anxiety lessened because I knew she was getting enough to eat. After each formula feed, Lily would fall asleep on my chest. I'd pat the milk off her chin with a burp cloth as she faintly snored. I wished I could match her peace, but I couldn't shake the want to escape."
"I just want to get in my car and never come back, I'd whisper to her as she slept. I don't think I love you. Life with Lily and Joe improved after I stopped breastfeeding, but I still wasn't sleeping enough. Even though babies wake often, the rational part of me lost every argument. I fought sleep. I read every baby book. Nothing worked."
"He looked at her like she was a miracle. I looked at her like she was a test I was failing. The shame built slowly. It told me I was defective. I stopped sharing what I felt with friends, afraid they'd pity me, or, worse, agree. I told no one how often I fantasized about leaving. Or how many showers I spent crying or cutting myself with a razor just to feel a different pain. One I could name. One I could bandage."
Postpartum depression can distort early bonding and generate intense doubts about loving the baby. Hormonal changes, exhaustion, and anxiety can be alleviated by stopping breastfeeding for some, but sleep deprivation and persistent intrusive thoughts can persist. Shame and fear often prevent disclosure, leading to secrecy about fantasies of escape, self-harm, and feelings of defectiveness. Partners may perceive the baby as a miracle while the mother experiences failure. Treatment options include inpatient and outpatient psychiatric care that prioritize stabilization without separating mother and infant. Early recognition, compassionate support, and psychiatric care can enable recovery and safer bonding.
Read at Psychology Today
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