#perinatal-mental-health

#perinatal-mental-health

We'd been working together for years to make my medication regimen-treatment for schizoaffective disorder-safe for potential pregnancy. Under her care, I was tapering off an antidepressant known to cause respiratory distress and hypertension in a newborn. I'd been experiencing wild mood swings, even suicidal thoughts. My beloved doctor's eyes were sad. "I'm saying no to a pregnancy, Meg." Even in the moment, I understood her priority as a physician was to keep me safe. Still, part of me hated her.

After I stopped breastfeeding, I was happier. My anxiety lessened because I knew she was getting enough to eat. After each formula feed, Lily would fall asleep on my chest. I'd pat the milk off her chin with a burp cloth as she faintly snored. I wished I could match her peace, but I couldn't shake the want to escape.