""I want to live a life I'm not disturbed by." It was an intense session with a new client, a 30-something single mother baffled by a long and winding trail of chaotic relationships-from partners whose fingers kept sneaking back to dating apps, to outbursts of rage toward those she loved most, often triggered by something trivial. A kind, intelligent woman with gentle eyes and a warm demeanor,"
""Maybe it's not your conscious will choosing those disastrous relationships again and again," I offered. "Maybe it's your body." When we explored how the nervous system often reenacts our early attachments-how our most primal drive is proximity, which is to seek the familiarity of our caregivers during times of unsafety-her shoulders softened. "Now that you're shifting into a different view of your choices," I said gently, "...I feel more empowered to change them," she finished."
A 30-something single mother repeatedly entered chaotic relationships, experienced intense shame, and reacted with emotional outbursts. Clients often assume stricter willpower or discipline will stop the pattern. Many coping strategies originate from the same beliefs that created distress. Repeated relationship choices can be driven by unconscious bodily and nervous-system responses rather than conscious decisions. Early attachment experiences program proximity-seeking and familiar patterns of safety, which can replay in adult relationships. Shifting perspective to include nervous-system patterns allows clients to feel more empowered and to change relational choices through awareness and regulation rather than self-blame.
Read at Psychology Today
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