Triggers of Grief

"I'm sure you've come to know that bereaved parents are a tightly wound group that is easily triggered. There are the obvious ones, like the anniversary of your child's death, their birthday, or any number of tragic milestones and holidays. We know that they're coming each year, and we prepare ourselves for how we think we're going to feel, which is very often worse than what actually happens."

"Then there are the ones that come out of nowhere and feel like guided missiles aimed straight at your heart. You're suddenly crying harder than you've cried in months, and it feels almost like it did during the early days after your child's death. You can't believe that you're feeling this intense sadness again, this terrible reminder (as if you need reminding!) that your child is gone. It's the most unpleasant time travel imaginable."

"My big trigger was soup dumplings, the dish Rob and I liked best. The first few times I tried to eat them after he died, I felt sick to my stomach. There was a foul aftertaste that matched the nauseating feeling I got whenever I thought about never seeing him again. I couldn't eat them for months. Every time I tried, it brought me back to the day before he killed himself, a Proustian madeleine that tasted like death warmed over."

Bereaved parents face expected triggers like anniversaries, birthdays and holidays that often feel worse in anticipation than experienced, and these tend to lessen over years. Unexpected triggers can strike suddenly, producing intense, early-grief reactions and a sensation of time travel back to initial loss. Triggers can be almost anything and commonly indicate unfinished grief work. A specific trigger was soup dumplings, which initially caused nausea and a foul aftertaste that evoked the day before a child's suicide. Intentional reframing—returning to the restaurant and ordering the usual meal—was attempted as a method to change painful associative memories.

Read at Psychology Today