"You: Some days I'm depressed. Some days I'm busy and distracted. Some days I'm living in the past. Some days I'm present in the moment. Any way you look at it, I still don't feel like I'm the one doing the choosing, but I push through because there's no other choice. Me: It may not feel like it, but you're choosing life. You're choosing to get out of bed every morning and live in the real world."
"You: Well, I'm no longer in unrelenting agony. I'm no longer free-falling in the pit of despair. The initial devastation has worn off, but that doesn't mean that I'm now shiny, happy people. So are things easier? Well, if you compare it to a heart attack, then I would say yes. Me: What about you? How've you changed? What's different about you since your child died? You: I'm not sure."
Robbie died in 2019, and a habit of regularly checking emotional state began and continued. Emotional experience alternates between depression, distraction, living in the past, and being present, with the speaker feeling pushed rather than choosing. The speaker recognizes that getting out of bed and engaging each day is an act of choosing life and describes the process as a kind of rebirth. Acute, unrelenting agony and free-fall despair have diminished but have not yielded constant happiness. Participation in a grief group and weekly therapy provide support, daily conversations with the child offer connection, and self-blame has decreased.
Read at www.psychologytoday.com
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