"Codependency has a way of sneaking in the back door. As someone who was once deeply codependent, I still fall into old habits-being the one who holds it together, who stays calm for others. And if they don't stay calm, I assume I must have done something wrong. Maybe I raised my voice slightly. Maybe my tone changed. If they react, it must be my fault. This reinforces an old belief I've carried for as long as I can remember: I'm to blame."
"I carry that role implicitly, and I have to unlearn it-over and over again. So when my son snapped this morning, I looked at him and said, "I'm not okay with you talking to me that way." He replied, "Well, your tone-I didn't like it." I told him, "There was nothing wrong with my tone. It's not okay for you to raise your voice at me because you don't like the way you perceive a tone shift.""
The parent experienced a tense morning with a son who snapped while searching for something before school. The parent kept calm to help regulate the child but recognized a pattern of codependency that leads to self-blame and overfunctioning. The parent usually assumes responsibility for others' reactions and places personal needs aside. In this instance the parent set a boundary, directly stating that being spoken to that way was unacceptable. The son initially deflected blame to perceived tone but later apologized. Instead of absorbing the apology or minimizing it, the parent accepted it with appreciation, which relieved shame and shifted relational dynamics.
Read at Tiny Buddha
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