"Diego wasn't being defiant. He wasn't manipulating me, testing boundaries, or seeking attention. He was experiencing shame. Shame operates completely differently from guilt."
"Guilt says: 'I did something wrong.' Shame says: 'I am wrong.' Guilt focuses on behavior and activates the desire to repair. Shame focuses on identity and activates threat."
Diego, an eight-year-old, expressed feelings of shame and worthlessness, questioning his belonging in the family. His intense emotions escalated with a new school environment, leading to behavioral issues. Despite various parenting strategies, nothing seemed effective until the realization emerged that Diego's behavior stemmed from shame rather than defiance. Shame affects identity and perception of self, contrasting with guilt, which focuses on actions. This understanding shifted the approach to addressing his emotional needs and behaviors.
Read at Psychology Today
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