Misunderstanding Therapy as the Pursuit of Happiness

"Therapy doesn't necessarily free people from their maladaptive patterns, but it always tries to shine a light on previously dismissed paths. Whether it's perfectionism, people-pleasing, obsessing, or avoiding, these strategies are, like addictions, short-term solutions to long-standing problems. They're used to prop up self-esteem, create meaning, and win over prospective friends and romantic partners. And their alternatives tend to be denigrated defensively, as though one were attacking that individual's essence."

"When patients ask what they should do, I often respond by asking which consequences they're willing to tolerate, from those related to possible failures to those related to potential successes, as they're rarely perfect. Interestingly, many seem surprised by that question. They're obviously surprised by someone abstaining from just giving them advice, and less obviously surprised by the idea that even getting what they desire may not be a walk in the park."

"We often believe we know what we want based on a fantasy, which can be construed as a necessity for motivation -idealizing may increase our drive, so we talk up our goals. And many of our patients are terrified by having to seriously consider that their defining goals wasted their time. The finitude of our lives makes us want to make the right choices, which ought to be normal, but even the illusion of which seems to suffice, which it probably shouldn't."

Therapy is often misunderstood as the pursuit of happiness rooted in black-and-white thinking. Therapy aims at integration, creating a better relationship between thoughts and feelings and encouraging acceptance of ambivalence, ambiguity, and anxiety in important choices. Therapy does not necessarily free people from maladaptive patterns but illuminates previously dismissed paths and alternative behaviors. Maladaptive strategies like perfectionism, people-pleasing, obsessing, and avoiding serve as short-term solutions to underlying problems and bolster self-esteem or social standing. Effective therapeutic work asks which consequences individuals are willing to tolerate and challenges idealized fantasies about defining goals.

Read at Psychology Today