"Nothing in my life sparks greater joy and deeper shame than food. Publicly, I live and love to eat. As a food writer my livelihood depends on it. But privately, I live with a binge-eating disorder, and it can feel like what I'm devouring is actually devouring me. My family is Italian, and their love language is food, so food is also the portal to all my memories, good and bad."
"As a kid, I got a thrill out of smuggling chocolates into the bathroom, locking the door, downing them in quick succession then hiding the wrappers. A binge is like a runaway train: fast, uncontrollable, not stopping for anything In my last year of school I experienced drastic weight gain, then equally drastic weight loss soon after by depriving myself of calories and exercising to exhaustion. I got caught in a vicious cycle. That level of restriction was unmaintainable, but every day thereafter I tried."
Food produces simultaneous joy and deep shame, with public enjoyment contrasting private binge-eating that feels consuming. Family Italian food traditions link to treasured memories and traumatic associations alike. Secretive childhood eating involved smuggling and quickly consuming sweets, then hiding evidence. Bingeing occurs like a runaway train: fast, uncontrollable, relentless, and physically painful. Periods of severe restriction, weight fluctuation, and excessive exercise created an unsustainable vicious cycle of attempted control and frequent failure. The soothing effect of binging diminished over time, transforming into self-loathing and an intensifying, insatiable inner monologue about food.
Read at www.theguardian.com
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