"Guilt, in certain circumstances, can be a helpful emotion. For centuries, humans have used guilt to help them connect, collaborate, and build community because the ability to feel guilty when we've harmed someone expresses to them that we care enough to feel badly about what has happened. It also motivates us to try to make a repair."
"Guilt begins to lose its benefit, though, when we are victims of manipulative guilt, whether from our families, our social networks, or in our cultural experiences. "Gosh, I wish you were able to visit us more often, but I guess you're really busy with your big, important job." Manipulative guilt can feel pretty terrible."
"The most toxic guilt, however, is the type of guilt so many women feel almost constantly. This generalized, self-critical guilt leads to thoughts like, "Why can't I do anything right?" and "Why don't I ever feel like I'm doing enough?" Rather than responding to a particular harm we've committed, we're feeling guilty for falling short on several sky-high, unreasonable expectations. Importantly, this is not because we are getting something wrong."
Women are socialized to internalize constant guilt driven by unrealistic societal expectations. Guilt can serve adaptive roles by signaling harm and motivating repair, and historically supported cooperation and community. Manipulative guilt from family, social networks, or culture undermines benefits and causes distress. A pervasive, generalized self-critical guilt makes women feel chronically inadequate despite not doing anything objectively wrong, arising from impossible standards. Unlearning this guilt requires understanding its origins, distinguishing constructive guilt from manipulative or corrosive forms, and replacing self-criticism with healthier ways of caring for oneself, motivating behavior, and relating to others.
Read at Fast Company
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