Going Beyond Payback

"Payback has been such an ordinary behavior that we take it for granted as OK. Grief about being wronged is an appropriate first response, rather than immediately retaliating. Forgiving without condoning focuses on reconciliation and releasing resentment. Retaliatory sentiments are often spoken silently in our minds, and sometimes aloud. We react to people and events with hostility and aggression. We might hear ourselves think or say any of the following statements and not recognize them as retaliation."

""I asked the person in authority for the permission I wanted. She refused to give it to me. I asked elsewhere and got it. Then, for spite, I made sure she saw that I now had it. I showed her she could not stop me from getting what I wanted." "I was treated less than courteously at a restaurant, so I won't go back there. I posted a negative online review in order to get even." "I am so glad that someone finally called you on the carpet!" "I won't make concessions, since you haven't.""

""I will sue you big time for what you have done to me." (A lawyer is sometimes used for revenge purposes.) "I owe you money, but I am angry at you, so I will make you wait for payment or not pay you at all." "I don't have what I want-for example, a possession, a career position, or an intimate relationship. Motivated by envy, I hope it does not work out for people who do have what I lack and crave.""

Payback is often normalized and accepted as an ordinary response to being wronged. Feeling grief after an injustice is a fitting initial reaction and can prevent impulsive retaliation. Forgiving without condoning emphasizes reconciliation and the intentional release of resentment while keeping necessary boundaries intact. Retaliatory impulses frequently appear as silent or spoken thoughts and can take forms such as spiteful displays, punitive reviews, legal threats, withholding payment, envy-driven wishing harm, or proving someone wrong through changed circumstances. Differentiating corrective actions from revenge protects relationships and personal integrity.

Read at Psychology Today