"The shoulds are a type of cognitive distortion (unhelpful thinking habit) that can lead to judgment. You may judge others, for example, 'They shouldn't act that way,' and yourself. In this post, we will focus on the shoulds you direct at yourself, though the strategies may be helpful for all cognitive distortions."
"Shoulds can come from rules that you have heard throughout your life that you've internalized. For example, 'Children should be seen and not heard.' Shoulds can also come from beliefs that you've created for yourself. You may believe that if you follow certain rules, you will be successful or can prevent bad things from happening."
"The pressure you place on yourself when your thoughts are littered with shoulds could make you feel like you are a failure, worthless, or unlovable. If you feel less-than, it may stop you from feeling secure in your relationships or like you are allowed to rest."
Self-directed 'shoulds' represent unhelpful thinking patterns that create unnecessary guilt and shame. These internalized rules originate from messages heard throughout life or personal beliefs developed to gain acceptance and prevent rejection. The pressure from constant self-judgment can lead to feelings of failure, worthlessness, and unlovability, undermining relationship security and the ability to rest. Recognizing these thought patterns enables reframing them into more constructive language. Using kinder, more compassionate self-talk proves significantly more motivating than shame-based thinking. Awareness of personal 'shoulds' is the first step toward transforming these cognitive distortions into supportive internal dialogue.
Read at Psychology Today
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