Barriers to Compassion

"But through no fault of their own, many people suffer disabling inhibitions that stifle their natural motivation to be compassionate to loved ones. They cannot heal old hurts and cannot love without hurt. The major inhibitions of compassion are fear and shame. The fear inhibition rises from the assumption that compassion makes us vulnerable and leads inevitably to hurt. The shame inhibition rises from the assumption that we'll seem weak, like a doormat. Deeper shame comes from perceived inadequacy for being unable to sustain compassion."

"With compassion, we see the vulnerability of others - and how they cope with it. This unique insight reduces the likelihood that we'll internalize other people's judgments, attitudes, or behavior. Compassion helps us distinguish disappointment from rejection. Personal power is the ability to act in our long-term best interests. In that sense, we're more powerful when compassionate than when angry, when acting on values instead of reacting in kind (reacting to a jerk like a jerk)."

Compassion is a healing emotion essential to close relationships but many people develop inhibitions that block compassion. Fear-based inhibition assumes compassion creates vulnerability and inevitable hurt. Shame-based inhibition assumes compassion makes one appear weak or inadequate, especially if one cannot sustain it. Inhibitions become habitual but can be changed by forming new coping habits. Compassion reduces vulnerability by clarifying others' struggles and preventing internalizing criticisms, allowing distinction between disappointment and rejection. Acting compassionately aligns with long-term personal power and values rather than reactive anger. Brief, timely compassion is sufficient and more sustainable than attempting unending compassion.

Read at Psychology Today