Sometimes what you're most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free.
For years I shut people out because I feared I might ruin relationships if I opened myself up to them. And there was a good reason for that-I'd damaged many relationships in the past by acting in response to my trauma. I'd driven people away, sometimes with unnecessary drama that stemmed from insecurity and other times with dangerous behavior, like binge drinking, that required them to take care of me.
The binge drinking was particularly terrifying to me because I couldn't seem to stop once I started, and I often blacked out, which meant I didn't trust myself. I didn't trust myself to drink responsibly. I didn't trust myself not to humiliate myself when alcohol lowered my inhibitions and opened the floodgates to my deepest pains. But most importantly, I didn't trust myself not to confirm what I suspected everyone thought of me: that I was a mess. Unlovable.
In hindsight I see it had 'bad idea' written all over it-and not just because it was clearly a crossed boundary, but also because I was an emotional mess.
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