"We hear you-just because it's lunchtime doesn't mean you're slacking off. Lunch is an opportunity to work even harder on your gains. So get ready for the new HealthGreen PunchMax Protein PowerBowl. You need protein. You need all this protein in order to work out. Even if you're not working out today. Or yesterday. Or tomorrow. You need it because every gram of protein helps you fill the hole in your heart that's been there since Carrie left you."
"Packed with a hundred grams of protein, the PunchMax Protein PowerBowl redefines what food can be. It's mostly pieces of chicken liver strewn about on a bed of raw tuna arranged over a layer of bulgogi beef perched atop a pile of kinda damp deli turkey slathered with cashew butter and swimming in a puddle of raw milk. All of which is served in our fully recyclable cardboard bowl. It is sopping wet and dripping-with power. Also, it kind of looks like throw-up. PROTEIN throw-up."
"Do you understand what we've done? Because I don't think you do. This is the single most protein-heavy bowl anyone has ever made. The only way it could have more protein in it would be if the bowl itself were made of protein. And trust me, buddy, we tried to make this bowl out of raw ground lamb, but it was just too sticky and also the beta-cuck health department said we couldn't just hand out bowls made of uncooked meat."
The HealthGreen PunchMax Protein PowerBowl contains one hundred grams of protein delivered through an extreme combination of meats and dairy. Ingredients include chicken liver, raw tuna, bulgogi beef, damp deli turkey, cashew butter, and raw milk served in a recyclable cardboard bowl. The bowl is described as sopping wet, visually unappealing, and hyperproteinized. Marketing ties protein intake to exaggerated physical strength and emotional recovery from a breakup. Packaging and hygiene are treated humorously, noting a failed attempt to make the bowl from raw lamb and a taunt at health inspectors. The overall tone is satirical and provocative.
Read at The New Yorker
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