It sounds like your stepdaughter, like many before her, has allowed the mythical power of a dream wedding to take over her formerly kind soul-causing her to unleash chaos upon everyone else.
I'm of the firm belief you shouldn't reward a tantrum. Your husband should sit down with his daughter-if she'll do that-and talk her through the numbers: She's received X dollars from you since she turned 18, which was used to pay her college tuition, down payment, and whatever else. Now, it's her brother's turn. If you want to financially contribute to her wedding, tell her how much she can expect and when you'll write the check.
If she chooses to cut off communication, make sure she knows the door is always open. Reach out regularly in a loving, friendly way, but don't send her any more money. The price is already too high.
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