"We think deep, but we often talk shallow. If you've ever argued with a partner, you understand this. You might fight about who should clean the sink, but it's not really about the sink - it's about something deeper, like feeling unappreciated. But because big things are hard to talk about, we often express ourselves through little things. The same thing happens at work."
"Whenever someone acts strange or upset, just say this: "It seems like you've got a reason for saying that." I picked up that phrase from negotiation expert Chris Voss, the former FBI hostage negotiator and author of Never Split the Difference. Just imagine using it: Your spouse yells at you about cleaning the sink. You reply: "It seems like you've got a reason for saying that.""
People often express deep emotions through minor complaints, using small incidents as stand-ins for larger unmet needs such as feeling unappreciated. Surface conflicts at home or work frequently mask those deeper motives, making direct solutions ineffective. A simple, disarming prompt "It seems like you've got a reason for saying that" invites the other person to reveal underlying reasons. Encouraging explanation reduces defensiveness, clarifies the true issue, and accelerates movement toward collaboration and resolution. Consistent use of this question across personal and professional interactions can expose the real problem behind proxy complaints and enable clearer, more effective responses.
Read at Entrepreneur
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