Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars. I was born with spina bifida and faced multiple surgeries, leading to uncertainty about my ability to walk again. Despite the fear and pain, I refused to accept paralysis as my fate.
But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousness are as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away. It was bracing language for an 8-year-old. Not only was I unclean, but even my best attempt at goodness was filthy.
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At the heart of yoga philosophy is the belief that stillness is not simply the absence of movement, but a profound engagement with our inner landscape. Practices such as asana (postures), pranayama (breath control), and meditation serve as gateways to this stillness, allowing us to cultivate awareness amidst chaos. Through these disciplines, we learn to quiet the mind's incessant chatter and tune into our true essence.
I didn't have words for it back then, but the feeling was clear: if I stood out, something was wrong with me. And if something was wrong with me, I wasn't good enough. I remember standing there, already tense, afraid that the other kids would think I looked stupid. Afraid they wouldn't want to play with me. Afraid that being different, even in something small, would mean I didn't belong.
They look nervously at the cameras. The prize, they are told, is beyond description, but "it is what everyone wants!" The first question is asked: "Who are you?" The fastest contestant with the buzzer rings in - "Michelle!" they cry out confidently. BUZZ - the sound for the wrong answer rings out loudly. Another contestant seizes the moment and squeezes their buzzer. "A Man!" he states with utmost confidence. BUZZ - wrong again.
Popular definitions of yoga often include terms such as balance, harmony, health, and peace. While these qualities are certainly desirable, and must be created before one can enter the state of fixity, or yoga, they are not included in the definition Patanjali offers us in his Yoga Sutras, the classic second-century B.C. exposition generally accepted as the bible of yoga.
For years, I'd used these journals as a kind of inner courtroom, constantly building a case against myself or others. Every page held evidence of failures, proof of my profoundly advanced ability to gaslight myself. I could shrink or morph into whatever was requested for another person's comfort. Small flowered booklets documenting all the ways I couldn't get "it" right.