Losing Faith in Atheism

"Shortly after the orderlies wheeled Jim away to be intubated, an intensive-care doctor explained to me and Alice that our brother was suffering from acute respiratory failure. This man, whom we'd never seen before, casually added that Jim was unlikely to make it to morning. Then he continued on his rounds. The first thing we did, once he'd left, was pray."

"We'd been raised in a devout Catholic home, attending Mass every Sunday and on holy days of obligation, saying grace before meals, prayers before bed, and rosaries on long car rides, constantly adding sick or troubled loved ones to our intentions list. At the hospital, praying together was a distraction, but it was also an act that we believed to have some power to help our brother live through the night."

"But the memory of that first night, when I thought I was losing him forever, stayed with me. The recognition of radical human vulnerability pushes some people toward belief, but for me it had the opposite effect. On campus that spring, I started skipping Mass. This proved to be the initial step on a path that eventually led to my rejection of the faith in which I'd been raised."

A college car accident left the narrator's twin brother, Jim, with acute respiratory failure and uncertain survival, prompting family prayer in the hospital. The brother survived after a long recovery, and the narrator thanked God, yet the crisis triggered doubt rather than consolation. The narrator began skipping Mass and ultimately rejected their childhood Catholic faith. Cultural currents included the rise of prominent secular critiques of religion around the turn of the century. The narrator searched for a livable secular worldview but found none that matched the psychological and moral value once provided by religious belief.

Read at The New Yorker