The author reflects on their relationship with Frank, highlighting a journey of sexual exploration over 25 years, particularly in the realm of BDSM. Initially, they engaged in what now can be identified as 'free use'—an arrangement built on responsive desire rather than traditional proactive sexual interest. Over recent years, they gained insight into BDSM terminology and communities, enhancing their intimate life and intimacy. Their relationship embodies care rather than power dynamics, balancing parenting with evolving sexual experimentation, which has invigorated their connection and self-exploration.
I find pleasure in being wanted; there's a primal, radical desire there.
We began to notice that I have responsive desire, rather than proactive desire.
Only in the past three years, when doing more research around BDSM, did we realise there is a name for this free use.
We now have this new vocabulary and set of tools, so we can channel our sexual energy into more experimentation.
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