"Your face literally makes me want to throw up. It looks so painful and you don't look like yourself. One of my friends called and asked if you'd been in a motorcycle accident."
"It's day three, and it's actually day three, so this is the thick of it right here. This is the worst day of it all and it happens to be on my birthday, happy birthday to me."
"The swelling is pretty bad. The doctor wanted to put me on a steroid pack today, and Eddie went to go pick it up, and the pharmacy's closed today."
"I literally can't stop laughing about my mom's text message to me. You guys know where I get my empathy from right? I can't, she's too much."
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