"Shabana Mahmood was in a determined frame of mind. It was time to get serious. No more Mr Nice Guy stuff when dealing with illegal immigrants. Not that there was anything like a legal immigrant as far as she was concerned. The only good migrant was a deported migrant. She laced up her Dr Martens. It was Kicking A Door In o'clock. Starting with her own."
"Shabana Mahmood had been dozing in bed when Shabana Mahmood had burst into her room and pulled back the duvet. Shabana forced her eyes open, trying to make sense of this unexpected intrusion. She reached for her phone. Where was her security detail? Surely this must be a mistake. Right, said Shabana. Get yourself dressed in this orange jump-suit. And don't mess about. You're due at the processing centre within the hour."
"People like you have been taking advantage of the system for years. So there are going to be some changes round here. I know we said the deportations wouldn't be retrospective and we'd make you wait 20 years before you became British but that was because we were being too soft. We're now going to increase that to 50 years."
"No mistake, Shabana snarled. And don't go bleating to Keir. He's the one who signed off on all this. Can't you just give me a few more days? Why don't you go and deport David Lammy first? I can give you his address. Nice try. But we've beaten you to it. There's an ICE squad already on its way round to the justice secretary. This government is committed to fairness and equality. There will be no special cases or exemptions."
Shabana Mahmood adopts a hardline stance on migration, resolving to abandon conciliatory approaches and enforce deportations. She prepares militarily, lacing Dr Martens and declaring it Kicking A Door In o'clock. Mahmood abruptly wakes as an identical figure bursts into her bedroom, drags back the duvet and orders her into an orange jumpsuit. Officials claim she missed a surprise assessment and is in breach of visa regulations despite being born in Britain. Authorities announce retrospective measures, extending naturalisation waiting periods from twenty to fifty years and imposing frequent surprise assessments. A government ICE squad targets other ministers with no special cases or exemptions.
Read at www.theguardian.com
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