"Intimacy tolerance is not about how much you love, how open-minded you are, or how badly you want connection. Most people assume that if intimacy feels good, we'll naturally move toward it. But for many, closeness is both nourishing and threatening. It activates longing and fear at the same time. This is why desire can rise and then abruptly disappear. Not because attraction is gone, but because intimacy itself has crossed an internal threshold."
"We tend to choose partners whose intimacy tolerance closely matches our own. This happens quietly, often unconsciously. Two people can have very different stories, styles, and personalities, yet share the same capacity for closeness. They meet each other right at that edge where connection feels exciting but still manageable. When one partner begins to stretch beyond that edge, emotionally, sexually, or relationally, the system destabilizes."
"Sexual arousal strips away defenses quickly. The body opens, sensations intensify, and suddenly there is nowhere to hide. For some, arousal feels like freedom. For others, it feels like exposure. Being seen, felt, wanted, and emotionally present all at once can be deeply unsettling. The body may respond with shutdown, distraction, irritation, or loss of desire-not because sex is unwanted, but because intimacy has arrived too fast, too close, too real."
Intimacy tolerance measures how much closeness a nervous system can bear before overwhelm occurs. Closeness can be simultaneously nourishing and threatening, activating both longing and fear. Desire can rise and then abruptly disappear when intimacy crosses an internal threshold. People commonly select partners with similar intimacy tolerances, creating relationships that feel exciting but manageable at the edge. Sexual arousal rapidly removes defenses, exposing vulnerability and prompting shutdown, distraction, irritation, or loss of desire for some. Emotional availability can also tighten internal defenses as the body senses risk of losing self or control. Compartmentalization or distancing may follow when tolerance is exceeded.
Read at Psychology Today
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