"My clients complain about money, sex, parenting, and in-laws, but they usually have a hidden agenda to escape their ambivalence, one way or another. My clients showed me some forty years ago that the negative horn of ambivalence is the most strongly defended and least amenable to change. Directly challenging it risks alienating the client who may feel gaslit. Taking the same negative horn of their ambivalence helps them to move to the more positive horn."
""Wow, you've convinced me. You have the spouse from hell. How can you stand living with such a person?" The usual response is: "Well, she's not that bad." "What do you mean she's not that bad? You just spent fifteen minutes reciting her bad qualities and behaviors." "Well, she has good qualities and behaviors, too." "Really? Tell me about those.""
Partners commonly present complaints about money, sex, parenting, and in-laws while harboring ambivalence and hidden agendas to escape it. The negative horn of ambivalence is often the most strongly defended and least amenable to change. Direct confrontation of the negative horn risks alienation and feelings of being gaslit. Mirroring or taking the client's negative horn can paradoxically open space for recognition of positive qualities. Individual sessions to vent resentments allow clients to broaden perspective when lightly challenged with agreement. Humane values and restraints often prevent people from becoming worse partners or parents despite resentments.
Read at Psychology Today
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