When Communication Techniques Backfire

"At a weeklong retreat I once attended on "Non-Violent Communication"-a modality devoted to compassionate connection and conflict-resolution-the lead facilitator opened with this question: "How many of you have had NVC used against you?" A majority of the participants raised their hands, including me. What the facilitator was getting at is that any communication, conflict resolution, or therapeutic tool or technique can be weaponized, twisted into a power play, used not to connect but to control and outmaneuver."

"For example, the rapport-building technique called mirroring (repeating or paraphrasing what someone has said, so they know you've understood them) can go off the rails quickly if you feed back to them not what they said but what you thought they said, or your opinion or interpretation of it, or with a tone of voice they didn't use."

"Taking time-outs during conflict-in order to bring the temperature down-can also be abused if you just storm out of the room without a word, without agreeing on when time-out is over, or if you say "I think you need some time out." Apologies, too, can be undermined by saying things like "I'm sorry you're hurt, but...." (insert excuse for why you did/said something hurtful) or "Sorry I'm not the perfect partner.""

Communication, conflict-resolution, and therapeutic techniques can be weaponized into power plays that control rather than connect. Motives behind using communication tools should be examined so they function as bridges to connection rather than obstacles. Obtain a partner's buy-in before applying techniques so they are practiced with them rather than on them. Techniques perform poorly when emotions are hot; cooling down before use is essential. Common practices can be misused: mirroring can reflect interpretation instead of content, time-outs can be wielded as abandonment, and apologies can deflect responsibility. Sometimes stopping the tools and sitting together in silence is the best tactic.

Read at Psychology Today