"Alicia began by disclosing that she had been having an affair with a coworker, something Greg had discovered by chance after seeing messages on her phone. Both partners were equally distressed, but in different ways. Greg said that his life suddenly, and unfairly, became unfamiliar and unstable, involving a mix of anger, disappointment, and the pain of betrayal. Whereas for Alicia, there was a blend of guilt, anger, and uncertainty about what would happen next."
"At this initial stage, my role as a couples therapist is not to understand a problem or repair the relationship but to help the partners stabilize enough to get through the immediate aftermath, e.g., mental health concerns, substance use, how much contact feels manageable, and who outside the relationship should or should not be involved. Once some stability is established, we discuss boundaries, which are not meant as a punishment but agreements to protect both partners."
Alicia and Greg entered therapy after Alicia disclosed an affair discovered by Greg on her phone. Both partners experienced intense but different emotions: Greg felt anger, disappointment, betrayal, and sudden instability; Alicia felt guilt, anger, and uncertainty about the future. The initial therapeutic priority is stabilization of safety and mental health, assessing substance use, contact boundaries, and outside involvement. Boundaries function as protective agreements rather than punishment. After stabilization, therapy focuses on distinguishing contributing factors from accountability and exploring how emotional distance developed prior to the affair. Rebuilding trust requires honesty, remorse, and consistent effort over time.
Read at Psychology Today
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