""I feel like I'm watching too much porn," "We want our sex life to feel like it did when we first met," or "I'm having an affair and I know it's wrong but don't want to end it" are comments I hear fairly regularly in my therapy room. For so many people, lust shows up faster in these situations, and it can feel more primal."
"The relationship is unpredictable, which creates a sense of vulnerability and sparks excitement, which in turn allows for more vulnerability and even more excitement. It's a powerful, intoxicating feedback loop. At least, for a while. Unfortunately, the opposite cycle is also true. In long-term love, we usually work hard to make everything feel safer and more predictable. Unfortunately, this comfortable emotional state can make it harder to create the sense of risk and vulnerability that feeds passion."
Uncertainty, novelty, and the possibility of being truly seen heighten sexual passion by creating vulnerability and risk. New relationships are unpredictable, producing a feedback loop where vulnerability sparks excitement and further vulnerability. Long-term relationships increase safety and predictability, which reduces the sense of risk that fuels erotic intensity. When risk disappears, partners may feel less lustful and more closed, making sexual touch feel intrusive and decreasing desire. Restoring passion often requires intentionally inviting vulnerability and risk back into intimacy. Couples who recognize this dynamic can prevent outsourcing erotic connection and rekindle erotic intensity through managed uncertainty.
Read at Psychology Today
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