The Thumper Marriage

"Letting negative thoughts and feelings brew continuously can produce catastrophic results. But in my work with couples, I've observed that so many people are simply hyper-focused on what isn't working in their marriages or what their spouses are doing "wrong." Then, it becomes compelling to comment on these annoyances, hurts, disappointments or frustrations because after all, people are entitled to "speak their truths." Compounding matters is the belief that talking about dissatisfactions is how we "work on marriages.""

"I recently thought of Bambi because one of the characters in the movie-Thumper, a baby rabbit-was told by his mother to recite a lesson he had learned from his father, advice that I consider timeless. "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all." I wish more people embraced this philosophy! Now, don't get me wrong, there are times when it's important to speak up about things that might not be so "nice.""

"Although talking about tough subjects is necessary sometimes, how you talk about these things can really make a difference. You can still be nice. For example, a wife who attended a 2-day intensive told her husband, "You're a narcissist. The only person you ever think about is yourself. You don't care about my needs to spend more time together." Let's just say that I had my work cut out for me."

The proverb "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all" recommends withholding unkind remarks. Unchecked negative thoughts and feelings can produce catastrophic results. Many couples become hyper-focused on what isn't working and highlight spousal faults, believing that airing dissatisfactions is how to work on marriage. Regular criticism causes partners to shut down emotionally, become defensive, and retaliate, which drives couples apart. Tough subjects sometimes require discussion, but the manner of communication changes outcomes. Concise, respectful feedback preserves emotional connection. An example shows accusatory labeling escalates conflict, while alternate compassionate approaches can open paths to a more loving connection.

Read at Psychology Today