"Our nervous systems are built for survival, not harmony. In conflict, the body doesn't ask, " What will preserve this relationship?" It asks, "What will keep me safe?" In a flash, the brain floods with adrenaline and cortisol. Muscles tighten, voices rise. One partner lunges forward, fighting to win; the other freezes or flees. And for some, safety comes from fawning-placating, over-apologizing, surrendering just to stop the discomfort."
"A pause isn't the same as shutting down or walking away. It's not a weapon or a wall. It's a mutual agreement: We're at the edge right now, and the relationship needs a breath. In our book, Love. Crash. Rebuild, and in our everyday lives, we often use the Pause as a kind of internal timer that helps couples (us!) know when to step back."
Conflict triggers an immediate physiological survival response that prioritizes individual safety through fight, flight, freeze, or fawn reactions. Those survival reflexes escalate interactions and undermine connection. A deliberate, mutual pause interrupts automatic, fear-driven behavior and creates space for choice. The pause is a relational defense, not shutting down, walking away, or a weapon. Physical cues—racing pulse, shallow breathing, heat in the face—signal when to initiate the pause. The pause aims to preserve the relationship by slowing escalation and allowing calmer, more intentional responses rather than reactive survival behavior.
Read at Psychology Today
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