Recurring couple conflicts often return like a virus, whether about money, time, or household chores. The repeated argument is usually not about the stated topic. Each conflict operates on two levels: the visible issue and a deeper need that is threatened by the conflict. That deeper issue fuels the ongoing conflict and forms the understory. Identifying the understory helps couples navigate recurring conflicts more quickly and with less suffering, even when full resolution is not always possible. Learning to recognize the deeper need can reduce the cycle of repeating the same fight without progress.
"“Most couples have one or two arguments that keep coming back, like a virus - whether it's about money, time, or who left the dishes in the sink. We can't always resolve these conflicts, but we can learn to navigate them much more quickly, with less suffering all around,” she says. “Recurring conflicts are almost never about what they seem to be about. There's an understory to conflict, and it is the most interesting part.”"
"“Every conflict operates on two levels: There's the thing you argue about endlessly, and then there's the deeper need, the one that is threatened by the conflict. That deeper issue is fueling the conflict. That's the understory,” Ripley says."
#relationship-communication #conflict-resolution #recurring-arguments #emotional-needs #couples-therapy
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