The Most Dangerous Negotiation of All

"We are comfortable talking about negotiation in boardrooms, courtrooms, and political arenas. We are less comfortable acknowledging that some of the most complex negotiations happen behind closed doors, in relationships where power is weaponized and safety is uncertain. When domestic violence enters the conversation, one question often surfaces with startling frequency: Why doesn't she just leave? It is a question rooted in misunderstanding. And more critically, it reflects a failure to grasp the negotiation dynamics at play."

"At its core, domestic abuse is not about anger management. It is about control. It is a sustained and strategic effort to dominate decision-making, limit autonomy, and erode a partner's perceived options. In negotiation theory, power derives from alternatives. The stronger one's viable alternatives (often referred to as BATNA-best alternative to a negotiated agreement), the more leverage one holds. Abusers understand this intuitively. They systematically weaken their partner's alternatives, isolating them from friends and family, undermining financial independence, destabilizing their self-confidence, and creating emotional dependency."

"Observers frequently assess abusive relationships through a rational-choice framework: If harm outweighs benefit, departure should follow. But abuse does not operate in clean economic equations. Coercive control reshapes cognition. Gaslighting erodes trust in one's own perceptions. Intermittent reinforcement-cycles of cruelty followed by affection-strengthens psychological attachment in ways well-documented in research. Moreover, leaving is often the most dangerous phase of an abusive relationship."

Domestic abuse is about control rather than anger management. Abusers deploy sustained, strategic tactics to dominate decision-making, limit autonomy, and erode perceived options. Power in negotiation derives from viable alternatives (BATNA); abusers deliberately weaken those alternatives by isolating partners, undermining financial independence, destabilizing self-confidence, and fostering emotional dependency. Coercive control, gaslighting, and intermittent reinforcement reshape cognition and strengthen attachment. Leaving often presents elevated danger and complex safety, legal, and economic risks. Treating exit as a simple rational choice overlooks the constrained choice architecture victims must navigate.

Read at Psychology Today