The Difference Advantage

"Right now, we're witnessing a profound clinging to sameness. Societally, on the news and social media, there is a trend that seems to be making differences bad and dangerous. We've lost the capacity to see the growth possible when we learn from each other. And nowhere is this more evident than in our romantic relationships, where we exhaust ourselves fighting with our partner to do things our way, rather than learning from our differences."

"She's a planner; he's more spontaneous. She needs to talk things through immediately, and he needs time to process. Most couples describe their partner's differences as their biggest source of conflict and believe that if their partner were more like them, everything would be better. But what if this is completely wrong? Right now, we're witnessing a profound clinging to sameness. Societally, on the news and social media, there is a trend that seems to be making differences bad and dangerous."

"A 2024 study in the European Journal of Social Psychology found something fascinating: Relationship happiness is less impacted by actual similarities than by whether the couple perceives similarity. The most important perception of similarity is whether they feel confident they understand each other's perspectives (Lee & Ng, 2024). In this, two partners can be very different and still feel happy together if they believe they "get" each other, and if those differences enhance their connection."

Perceived similarity—especially feeling confident about understanding a partner's perspective—predicts relationship happiness more than actual similarity. Differences can trigger the nervous system to interpret a partner as dangerous, provoking threat responses that fuel conflict. Cultural trends toward valuing sameness reduce opportunities for growth through learning from one another. Fighting to change a partner expends energy and blocks development. Radical acceptance of differences frees energy previously wasted resisting reality and opens space for learning. Prioritizing tending to a partner first builds safety, lowers threat responses, and allows conflicts to resolve more naturally.

Read at Psychology Today