Miss Manners: How can I respond with dignity when they whisper about my husband?

"It perplexes Miss Manners how many people adore Les Miserables without being upset by its central accusation: that it is the rankest hypocrisy for society to equate serving one's time with forgiveness. But even if society were genuinely forgiving, there are many types of serious crimes. Being forgiven by society and being forgiven by one's victims are different matters. It is a simple matter to preserve your dignity with former victims of your husband's crime who now wish to maintain their distance: Respect that wish."

"For those who wish to confront you, depending on how they do so, it may be necessary to create some distance with as much respect and humility as you can muster. This does not apply to the merely curious. They are simply being rude, which means that it is time to excuse yourself from the conversation. Note the fundamental difference in what Miss Manners is saying from what you asked: While it is laudable that your husband's behavior has changed,"

Society often equates serving a sentence with forgiveness, but that equating can be hypocritical and victims' forgiveness differs from societal forgiveness. Different crimes warrant different community responses. Preserve dignity by respecting former victims' wishes to maintain distance. For confrontations, create distance respectfully and humbly. For mere curiosity, excuse yourself from the conversation. There is no obligation to invite others to judge a person's past or present behavior, and engaging in such judgment is unlikely to produce good outcomes. Cultivate a private, steady life that demonstrates accountability through consistent conduct and faith, but recognize that public perceptions may not change.

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