Marriage 911 - After the Affair, There Are Two People in Pain

"It is common for the sympathies of friends, family, and even trained psychotherapists to "side" with the betrayed partner. However, the pain of the person who engaged in an emotional or sexual affair is often overlooked. I've worked with many couples in my Become Passion online program who are struggling to recover from trust betrayal-and I point out gently that there are two people in pain, and they both have needs during the affair recovery process."

"If you are the betrayed partner, please hear this: You are not overreacting. The pain after an affair can be enormous. Many people experience symptoms that are in alignment with posttraumatic stress disorder ( PTSD): flashbacks, intrusive images, obsessive thoughts, hypervigilance, panic, and a desperate need to check, question, and understand. You may feel like your nervous system has been hijacked. And in many ways, it has."

"The person who was supposed to be your safe place has become the source of danger. That is a profound wound. So if you are struggling to "just get over it," please stop asking that of yourself. Healing takes time. And it takes some deep, brave work between you and your partner (who is deeply hurting, too)."

"Now I want to say something that may feel uncomfortable. And I say it with great care. The person who betrayed also needs help. Not because betrayal is excused. Not because"

Affairs often lead others to focus sympathy on the betrayed partner while overlooking the pain of the person who engaged in the affair. The betrayed partner’s distress can be intense and may resemble posttraumatic stress symptoms such as flashbacks, intrusive images, obsessive thoughts, hypervigilance, panic, and compulsive checking. The betrayed partner may feel their nervous system has been hijacked because the person who was supposed to provide safety becomes a source of danger. Healing takes time and requires brave work between both partners. The person who betrayed also needs support, not to excuse betrayal, but to address the harm and needs involved in recovery. All parties need space to heal because affairs hurt everyone involved.

Read at Psychology Today