"There are a lot of people who say, "Our relationship's perfect. We never fight." And to me, that's a red flag. It usually means you're not being honest, or you're hiding something. At least one person is holding things in. Because if your personalities mesh really well, and there's not a lot to fight about, you're still human. There are going to be disagreements."
"Here's what most people don't understand: It's not about how many times we fight. It's about how we fight. If you don't fight in a fair way, the relationship will eventually collapse. The wings fall off. The legs buckle. It's just a matter of time. Fighting is actually valuable because it gives you information about each other. You learn how someone handles stress. You discover triggers. You see what matters."
"When I get into a fight, I dissociate. I'm already thinking about when Vanessa said, "I don't like what happened yesterday." I'm already swiping for another suitor in my head. That's what happens for me. And Vanessa? She defaults to "I'm fighting. This is reminding me of the past. This means I'm in trouble. I'm not good enough for you. Okay, John, I'm not good enough for you? Okay, so just leave then." Our conversations would last five minutes before she'd be packing her bags."
Claims of a flawless, fight-free relationship often indicate suppressed issues or dishonesty, since human personalities naturally produce disagreements. Conflict provides information about coping patterns, priorities, and stress responses. The quality of conflict resolution matters more than frequency; unfair fighting erodes the relationship over time. Personal examples show one partner dissociating and fantasizing about leaving, while the other catastrophizes and assumes abandonment. Recognizing these patterns allows each partner to take responsibility for their reactions and enables the other to respond with empathy. Opening underlying dynamics permits targeted change, better communication of feelings, and prevents rapid escalation during brief disagreements.
Read at Psychology Today
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