Experiencing hurt is a common aspect of relationships, stemming from our inherent need for connection. This pain often leads to an instinctual reaction to blame others for the hurt, which may seem powerful but is ultimately counterproductive. Rather than fostering connection, blame exacerbates feelings of isolation and suffering. Understanding why we feel hurt and learning to communicate constructively can facilitate healing and reconnection, moving beyond instinctive reactions to foster healthier interactions.
When we feel hurt, it's because we've perceived a threat to essential attachment needs-being liked, valued, respected, cared for. Our alarm system is activated in the mind and body, triggering a cascade of feelings: anxiety, hurt, loneliness, guilt, anger, and shame.
While blame may be our first impulse, there is a more effective way forward. We can shift from our self-protective bunker to a more relational conversation - one that honors our feelings while creating the optimal conditions for healing and reconnection.
Blame also feels powerful. It creates a sense of agency and control-that we are standing up for ourselves-even if it's only in our mind.
Unfortunately, we often get stuck in this state. And when we do, we pay a double price. First, blame adds layers to our own suffering.
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