"Most adult daughters I talk to can say two things that feel contradictory, yet both are simultaneously true: If you've ever felt guilty for needing space, resentful after being "the reliable one," or strangely lonely while doing a hundred family tasks, you're not broken. You're responding to a role that asks for a lot, often without clear boundaries, recognition, or shared responsibility."
"I use the term "daughtering" to describe the often-invisible work adult daughters do to keep family life running: the logistics, the emotional smoothing, the anticipation, the planning, the identity pressure of being a "good daughter." It's not just what you do, it's also what you carry. The term daughtering is active and affirms your agency as a woman who has a choice in your relationship."
"Name the work you've never named before. Sociologist Arlie Hochschild popularized how social roles come with "feeling rules." These are the unspoken expectations about what you should feel and show. When you're doing daughtering, those rules often sound like: Be grateful. Be patient. Don't make it about you. Don't upset Mom or Dad (stepmom or stepdad). But you can change the paradigm. Start by naming what's actually happening:"
Adult daughters often carry substantial invisible logistical and emotional labor, including coordinating care, anticipating needs, planning, and smoothing emotional dynamics while maintaining a "good daughter" identity. This daughtering work generates guilt for needing space, resentment from being the reliable one, and loneliness amid many family tasks. Naming the tasks and the emotional/mental load clarifies the work and counters unspoken "feeling rules" that demand gratitude, patience, and self-silencing. Loving daughtering means building an honest, values-based, and sustainable relationship to the role, recognizing agency and setting boundaries rather than accepting disproportionate responsibility.
Read at Psychology Today
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