"I told them I would see them, for sure, but on a different day, and that family fights weren't fair to my husband. I know they were disappointed, but also relieved. This ended up being the solution to never-ending heartache for me. After that, I slowly began to excuse myself early when he arrived at the same time I did for a visit. Soon, "Look at the time!" became my go-to when I spotted him coming from the window."
"I'm 70 now, and my parents are gone. I was able to have a loving, peaceful relationship with them to the end. No more drama, no old OR new hurt feelings. Any time the conversation wandered to him, I would divert to my sister or to them. Turns out, I don't miss being the butt of hurtful comments at all."
"It breaks my heart to see how many times in Dear Prudie, I see someone say, "My demanding sibling wants more than I can give, and my parents support this." The best advice you always give is to say, "I don't want to talk about this again." And then add, "I'm leaving now." Believe me, it doesn't take long to train them to leave the topic alone if they actually want to see you."
At 27 the writer began avoiding holiday conflicts by visiting parents on different days and leaving early when a hostile brother arrived. Over decades the habit grew to using quick excuses and redirecting conversations away from the brother. By age 70 the writer maintained a loving, peaceful relationship with parents without new or old hurt feelings. Consistent boundary statements and prompt departures prevented repeated attacks and trained family members to stop rehashing the topic. The recommended phrases are, 'I don't want to talk about this again,' followed by, 'I'm leaving now.' Training people to respect those limits preserved emotional wellbeing.
Read at Slate Magazine
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