"Feeling loved rises from the way loved ones treat us. Feeling lovable, i.e., worthy of love, rises from the way we treat loved ones. If we don't feel lovable (not compassionate, kind, or loving), feeling loved won't feel authentic or satisfying. It may stimulate guilt for getting something we don't deserve or shame for seeming unable to return it."
"Take a moment to think of adults you have known whom you regarded as lovable. I doubt that you thought of people who only care about "getting my needs met." You probably thought of people who are compassionate and kind, whose humane values are bigger than their egos. Acting on humane values reduces the guilt and shame that prevent us from feeling worthy of love."
Feeling loved arises from how loved ones treat a person, while feeling lovable arises from how a person treats loved ones. Lack of felt lovability—lacking compassion, kindness, or love—makes received love feel inauthentic, triggering guilt or shame. Acting on humane values such as compassion and kindness increases worthiness of love and reduces guilt and shame. Core value love recognizes that compassion and kindness make people better; core hurt love seeks others' compassion to compensate, producing insecurity, neediness, resentment, manipulation, and control. Power dynamics in relationships intensify when value dynamics diminish; where love rules, will-to-power disappears.
Read at Psychology Today
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