"Most couples believe their recurring conflicts revolve around the issue at hand-what was said, what was forgotten, what should have happened differently. But in our work as clinicians, and in our own relationship, we've learned that it's not only the content of the conflict that matters. How partners respond to the conflict plays an equally important role in how quickly-and how well-they recover."
"Distance is the reflex to retreat to regain emotional equilibrium. Distancers often appear calm, quiet, or detached on the outside, while internally feeling flooded, overwhelmed, or unsure how to stay present without losing control. A partner who distances may: go silent to avoid escalation take time alone to regulate shift into problem-solving to escape emotional intensity This isn't indifference. It's protection."
Recurring conflicts contain two layers of hurt: the content of the dispute and the reactive ways partners protect themselves. Two common survival strategies are distance and destruction, where one partner retreats and the other intensifies and pursues. These responses protect against vulnerability and are shaped by personal history, family learning, and relational trauma. Distancers withdraw to regain emotional equilibrium and may appear calm while feeling flooded inside; their behaviors include silence, taking time alone, or shifting to problem-solving. Distancing functions as protection rather than indifference.
Read at Psychology Today
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