"Better to be overthinking than to be overdoing in this case. You're looking for an action, something to do to get you out of the way you feel. And it sounds like that energy has landed on your ex. But your ex is not a project and, for now, you should leave her be. Friendship after a relationship is very different from new friendship. With a new friendship, sometimes it's helpful to be a little vocal about a desire to build something meaningful."
"Sometimes you have to be intentional about establishing a pattern of hangouts. Sometimes you have to be the convener of the fantasy football league. But after a relationship, it can be helpful to give yourselves the space and time to relearn not only who you are but who you can be together. You write that you fear your ex is lonely. Respectfully, and kindly, that's not something you should be responsible for."
Post-relationship friendship requires different pacing and boundaries than forming a new friendship. Space and time help both people relearn individual identities and how they can relate without the romantic context. An ex should not be treated as a project, and responsibility for another person's loneliness is inappropriate. Intentionally convening activities often builds new friendships, but that strategy can feel forced after a breakup. Consider personal loneliness and patterns of filling time with events or hosting. If friendship is desired, let it emerge through mutual, voluntary effort rather than unilateral pushing. Accept the current status: exes, not yet friends.
Read at www.mercurynews.com
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