Asking Eric: My own husband mooches expensive meals off me

"My husband of 15 years has many sterling qualities. The issue? He is cheap! He'll graciously allow me to treat him to expensive meals and say, Thank you, while overtipping the cute young server. When he's anxiously asking if I am sure about paying, he somehow never thinks to offer to pay for his own meal! He is 67 and hasn't worked a real job since 2020. I am still freelancing. Both of us get Social Security, but mine is about half of his amount."

"He has significant bank accounts from dead relatives and forgets about the interest payments that mean that I don't get a tax refund anymore. For my last birthday, we went to a bistro and shared a sandwich, while for his birthday he chose a pricey new Thai restaurant. Our anniversary meal? At home. Before retiring, he used to treat me to a restaurant meal, either breakfast or lunch, two or three times a month."

"For many people, fears of financial insecurity can often trump the reality of their financial situation. This might be what's going on with your husband. Feelings aren't facts, but they can masquerade as such and drive our actions. You may not be able to reason with him enough to rid him of the cheapness, especially when he seems to pick and choose things about which to be cheap. But you can give yourself and him tools to combat that mindset."

A wife reports that her husband, despite substantial inherited bank accounts and higher Social Security, avoids paying for shared meals and magnifies costs. He apologizes for cheapness but continues selective frugality, leading to unequal birthday and anniversary experiences. Feelings of financial insecurity can override objective financial reality and drive stingy behavior. Creating joint transparency through a financial adviser, shared budgeting, and agreed-upon allocations for shared versus personal expenses can help. Practical steps include reviewing accounts, defining budgets that reflect values, negotiating boundaries for personal spending, and deciding whether to continue shared outings or attend meals separately when preferences diverge.

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